She Used To Be Mine
by ClairvoyantDreamer1011
Summary: She is gone, but she used to be mine./ As long as the brat was content, Aquarius didn't care what punishment the Celestial Spirit Council would give her. Song-fic. Implied Nalu.


She Used To Be Mine

Summary : She is gone, but she used to be mine./ As long as the brat was content, she didn't care what punishment the Celestial Spirit Council will give.

Hi! Clary here! It's nearly Christmas! 'Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la~ But in this case, it ain't that jolly though. Sorry if you guys were expecting something cute and fluffy. I was listening to Sara Bareilles a lot lately and I have completely fallen in love with her new song, She Used To Be Mine. Anyway...this story is inspired by her song and by my cousin who is facing depression. Jie, this is for you.

Oh, and a ginormous thank you to everyone who faved/followed/reviewed my other fics - Appendicitis and Mercy. I appreciate your support very much and I hope you'll enjoy this one-shot too. I'm not quite experienced in this type of writing yet, so I hope I can get some good feedback! Constructive criticism always helps me write better. :)

 **Disclaimer : I do not own Fairy Tail. Hiro Mashima does (and he better end it with Nalu, or he'll end up having a really unfortunate accident in the near future. Mwahahaha. XD) Oh, and do check out Sara Bareilles song -She Used To Mine while reading this, it might help. :)  
**

* * *

The girl staring back at her... Who is she?

That bittersweet smile...is that hers? Those lifeless brown eyes...are those hers too? And that dull, messy blond hair...they don't belong to her. Everything about the girl is foreign. Out of place. But she feels as though they are connected. And however insistent she is that the girl in the mirror _is not her_ ; somewhere, deep down inside, she can't deny that she _knows_ her.

Not that she recognizes her - _since that's_ _obviously not herself –_ but that she _knows_ that smile ( _heck, she's_ worn _that smile countless times before though she won't admit it_ ); she _knows_ what lies behind all the sugar-coated layers and cheerful facades.

 _That's not me._ Lucy reassures herself. She _isn't_ that girl in the mirror. And never will be. After all, she was normally bubbly and cheerful and bright. She was _Lucy_ – the Lucy that smiled no matter what; the Lucy who could plaster a bright smile on her face and _know_ that everything would be alright.

But is the happy and – _fake_ , a voice inside her whispers, - cheery Lucy the real her? Or is it just another façade that she put up; just another wall she built to protect herself?

* * *

Lucy stood in front of her bathroom mirror timidly with her head down. It's been a long time since she's been there - standing in front of her reflection, checking herself out and feeling good about it. Now, she can _barely_ look at herself because _she's just so broken_ _that she's afraid the mirror will crack by looking into it._

She clenched her jaw. How could the old Lucy even _stand_ to look at herself and be _proud_ of what she saw? She tried to remember. Did _she_ have the scars then? Did _she_ have the blank stare then? Did _she_ shudder in repulse when her eyes started trailing across her own body? Did _she_ \- ?

 _No,_ she _did not._

Lucy's hands started to shake. She couldn't do this. _She couldn't_. She couldn't stand there and look at herself, knowing that once upon a time, a better version of her now battered self used to look into the same mirror. She couldn't stand there, knowing that _she_ used to try out revealing outfits and actually feel great about her assets; unlike the Lucy who wears layers and layers of clothes that probably rivaled Edo-Gray, and still feels like a…slut. A whore.

Lucy's resolve started crumbling and she turns to the door.

 _Ready to run away again? I should have known. Pathetic as always,_ Lucy _._ A voice hissed in disgust. Lucy swiveled around in fear.

'NO!' she shrieked, slightly alarmed by her own voice. 'No! Don't come near me. Go away. Please,' her voice faltered from word to word. Her strong voice transformed into uncertain whispers, as she scrambled to the door, wanting to get as far away from the voice as possible.

 _It's been 6 months. You should have moved on already, darling._ The voice said in mock pity.

Lucy glanced around the bathroom in shock. There wasn't anyone in there. So where did the voice –

 _Oh, I'm just a figment of your imagination, silly. You know the devil subconscious everyone has?_

Lucy nodded hesitantly; still unsure of what she was talking to.

 _Well, I'm much, much worse._ The voice snarled maliciously in her mind.

 _You see, the girl you were was such a magnificent young lady. She was strong and beautiful and everything a woman would want. You could say she glowed among the stars._ The voice praised, like how a proud mother would be.

Lucy flinched, not wanting to relive those memories. 'Of course I know all of that.' She interrupted her voice still lower than a whisper. 'She was me and I was her. I think.'

 _Ah, but you aren't like her at all, are you?_

* * *

'Who are you?' Lucy breathed. All she wanted was to look at herself one last time in the mirror before going... away. Now, her plans are put on hold thanks to a very persistent voice in her mind. _Maybe I am going crazy._

 _You should know, hon._ You _created me after all._

Lucy tried her best not to scream as her past memories starts flooding through her mind.

 _'_ _Really, Luce, you should look in the mirror once in a while. Maybe then you'll shut up about your looks.'_

 _'_ _Lushy! You're so fat now! I'd rather carry Lisanna! You should stop eating.'_

 _'_ _Lucy, you should catch up with your training, you're falling behind. Get stronger.'_

 _'_ _No offense Lucy-san, but I have to heal Natsu and Erza first. They need their energy for this fight. Maybe you could call out Virgo-san to help?'_

 _'_ _Hm? Oh, Lu-chan! I'm sorry, I wasn't listening! What did you say about your book? By the way, you really should write faster.'_

You should. You should. You should. Lucy, you should do this. Lucy, why couldn't you do that? Lucy. Lucy. Lucy.

When she left her father and the mansion, she had left behind her role as an heiress. She just wanted to explore the world without having to be told what to do and what not to. She left behind the submissive side of her that would cower in fear every time someone raised their voice or commanded her to do something, for a reason.

All her life, she had been cooped up in that...that prison, never stepping a foot out into the world. She had no friends. No family (unless you count that sad excuse for a father). No one to talk to; no one to grow up with; no one to share food with; no shoulder to cry on.

She had no one.

And when she finally left that place in search of a new life, instead of feeling free and content, she felt…scared. Lonely. Unsure. It was after she had set foot in the first town she had come across, did she realize that she had never spoken to a single soul before; that she had absolutely no idea what to do or where to go.

She had wandered around, still in her heiress clothes – the older ones, of course – with many townsfolk whispering behind her back. Unknowingly, she had walked around the entire town until nightfall, still in a daze.

And as it started to rain, she sought shelter under the front porch of a bakery. The rain battered down mercilessly as she slowly crouched down, hugging her knees close to her chest. She remembered how cold it was that night. How scared she was.

Although she had promised herself that she would never spill a tear again, Lucy had cried. Oh, how she cried. She sobbed and sniffled herself to sleep, right there in front of that bakery.

The next day, she swore to herself that she was going to change. She got rid of her old clothes and bought revealing and bold clothes, despite her initial distaste of skimpy clothing – thanks to how she was brought up since she was a child. No, she wasn't going to let her past continue to alter her future. From then on, she was going all out – no rules; no boundaries; and definitely no more _shoulds_ and _shouldn'ts._

After that, she resolved to change herself. No more modesty; no more uncertainty; no more fake smiles and primp postures; no more tears. Although, she was changing her entire personality into some sort of clichéd heroine, the wall that she'd put up ever since her mother died refused to come down.

That was the only thing that she refused to change about herself. She was never going to let anyone in anymore. Not after all the heartbreak she'd experienced. Although it wasn't her ulterior motive when she ran away, she set her eyes on joining a guild – or more specifically, she set her eyes on Fairy Tail. She wanted to live anew – to recreate herself and to make new memories that would block out every other memory from her childhood.

And so when Natsu Dragneel extended his hand and invited her to join, she didn't hesitate. When she officially gotten her mark, she felt as though she was in a dream. And even when she was beaten bloody and senseless over and over again, she still felt like it was a dream. Even when Phantom Lord attacked; even when she was humiliated and beaten up by Flare and Minerva and Angel and Gajeel and Mr Cursey and so many others, she was never scared.

It was all just a dream, she told herself. The worst is yet to come. After all, everyone is bound to wake up one day and find that they're still stuck in the same old shitty world they tried to escape from.

So when everyone around her started telling her what to do and what not to do, she felt scared. She felt her dream coming to an end. She was finally waking up. No more sugar-coated lies…after getting to know each other better as befriend one another, she had warmed up to them; but never having real friends before made harmless teases and playful banter awkward for her.

And so, even though they didn't realize it, she had taken what they said seriously.

* * *

She stopped trying so hard at looking pretty – her daily assemble soon consisted of dark-colored slacks and sweaters and jeans (and her keys of course).

She stopped eating sweets and chocolate and went on diets – starving herself more than often.

She stopped slacking off during jobs and refused help from anyone, including Natsu – leading to extreme injuries and magic overuse.

She started to decline Wendy's offer at healing her, insisting that the young dragon slayer should conserve her energy.

She finished her novel in one month and got it published soon after, only to have Levy keep on pestering her on her –apparently still unsatisfying – book and how it should have ended.

She tried to change herself once again. She tried to change into someone she was not – a person who didn't care about appearances, hated chocolate, was independent and invincible, and was an author of her book that she could barely recognize.

She had unconsciously reverted back to her old self – the Lucy that would do as commanded in fear of being forgotten and left behind.

 _Now, look at what you've created. A person split into three parts of a whole. One scared little child living in her father's and her tutor's shadows; one cheerful, bright, amazing woman that you threw away; and one lifeless shell of that wonderful woman you used to be._

'I never wanted this!' Lucy screamed, tearing at her hair. She was confused. Just so confused. 'I never wanted to – '

 _To what? To change yourself over and over again until you've lost sight of who you were?_

 _To be someone you're not?_

* * *

 _Look at yourself, Lucy._ The voice commanded.

'No! I can't! I – '

 _You_ can _. And you_ will _._

Lucy took a deep breath and walked to the mirror. She raised her head slowly, and peeked at herself.

 _Look at you, Lucy. You're not broken. You're not scarred. Not at all. You're just confused. You were confused of who you really are._ The voice said soothingly, which was weird considering how harsh it was before. (But Lucy's weird so it must be a trait or something)

Lucy closed her eyes, calming herself down and looked at herself. She tried not to flinch as she saw her reflection. Nothing had changed. She still felt the same as she did when she first isolated herself from everyone.

The fragile and bedraggled girl in front of her was exactly how she looked like 6 months ago, when she first started pushing everyone away. Oh, how she wanted to go back being the oblivious, ditzy yet passionate blond stellar spirit mage she was. How she wanted to rewrite everything that's happened. How she wanted to run back to her family and apologize for everything she's put them through.

But, they wouldn't accept her anymore. Would they? After all, she pushed them away and worried them. And with how she is now, she would have sickened them to the point they wouldn't even trust her anymore. They would have been disappointed to know that she is not the Light of Fairy Tail, but just a torn girl filled with lies and deception.

She turned away from the mirror and made her way to her bedroom, determined to continue where she left off.

 _Lucy._ The voice said as a warning.

She brushed it off and went to her cabinet and took out a bottle. She held it in front of her eyes and saw the pills that filled the bottle. She nodded, knowing that it was the right bottle, and went back to the bathroom.

 _Lucy!_ The voice hissed. _What. Do. You. Think. You're. DOING?_

'This?' Lucy gestured to the bottle in her hand. 'You should have figured it out by now.'

The voice went quiet. Lucy tried not to back down from what she was about to do. She was only a burden after all. She was doing them a favor. Especially to Natsu.

 _'_ _Why can't you be more like Lisanna, or even Cana? I mean, they're lighter and a better fighter than you, plus they have a bigger rack – ow! Luce! Let go of my ear! – '_

 _'_ _You're such a slut! You keep going on dates and never come on missions with me and Happy anymore!'_

 _'_ _I should have known from the start that you're nothing but trouble, Luce.'_

 _'_ _I don't need your help. I don't want your help!'_

She flinched as the flashbacks started creeping up on her. She shook her head and tried to get rid of those thoughts.

But as the good memories start to mix up with the bad, she suddenly doesn't know what to do anymore. Just a moment ago, she was _so sure_ that she should do it. But after seeing flashback after flashback of his stupid grin and his stupid nicknames and all the stupid times they spent together as a _team_ , she started questioning herself if it was worth it.

All the good times they've had… was she going to throw all that away because of a few bad decisions?

No, said the reasonable part of her brain. But there was some part of her that's just _so sick of being confused_ about _who_ she really is and _wants everything to end already._

Who is she?

Lucy buried her head in her hands, the bottle in her hand forgotten.

 _That's the problem, isn't it?_ The voice had returned. _You want to let go, but you can't. You can let go, but you won't. Just like how you're still confused about the real you. But let me tell you this._

 _The real you is the one who's scared and freaking out right now._

Lucy raised her head a little.

 _The real you is the one who is determined and strong and passionate about every_ damn _thing._

Lucy stood up shakily, letting the bottle fall onto the ground with a resounding _clunk_.

 _The real you is the little girl in your heart that still refuses to let people in._

Lucy walked to the mirror with her head down.

 _The real you is all of them mixed up. The real you is the one who is imperfect but she tries; the real you is good but she lies; the real you is messed up but kind; the real you is lonely but not alone._

Lucy's eyes slowly trailed upwards.

 _The real you is who_ you _choose to be._

Lucy's hand made its way onto her wet cheeks. Her eyes were glistening with tears that were cascading down her face.

And as Lucy touched her features with her hand, starting with her eyes and trailing down to her lips, she felt something inside her knit itself together. It might be a trick of the eye, but Lucy swore she saw her reflection smile.

Only to realize minutes later, that she was the one smiling.

The confident, proud Fairy Tail mage in the mirror, the little girl with the now-crumbling walls, and the girl who finally knew who she was – who she is – aren't strangers at all.

They are _one_.

They are _Lucy_.

* * *

The old Lucy that Fairy Tail used to know was gone. But the sobs and laughter and celebrations held for their returned child proved that no matter what, Lucy is Lucy and _nothing_ in the world would _ever_ make them think otherwise.

 _She is gone, but she used to be mine._

* * *

'Aquarius, it's time.' The leader of the Zodiac said, somberly. He strongly objected to the Council's decision, and was one of the many spirits who had stood up against them. But that didn't change anything, although he wished it could.

The said water spirit glanced back at the image projected on the lacrima. Lucy was smiling. Aquarius squinted, and sighed in satisfaction afterwards. Yes, she was smiling. And it was a real one this time.

'Aquarius,' Loke urged gently from the far corner of the room, not wanting to intrude in what could be Aquarius's final moments with their master.

Aquarius turned around with a melancholic smile on her face. As long as that brat was content, she didn't care what punishment the Celestial Spirit Council will give. As long as she was alive and breathing and free.

Aquarius couldn't be happier.

* * *

What do you think? I've never had experience in this sort of writing and I don't know how it feels to be depressed, so I'm truly sorry if I've messed it up (which I most probably have). Please tell me what you think. :)

For those who have attempted suicide, I know I'm not much help and I shouldn't be meddling in other people's business, but please consider if it's really the only way out. Consider if it's really worth throwing away all the good times. Ask yourself if it's really worth the pain your family will feel. Ask yourself is your current life what you want to remember when you die. Or do you want to live your final moments, knowing that you did what you've always wanted to do - go para-sailing, deep sea diving, wrestle an alligator (okay, maybe not the last one but you get my point).

Now I'm not going to sugar-coat it, but as much as your life sucks now, it's not going to change if you just go off and kill yourself - and for what? Are those mental scars worth your life? Your happiness? Are those idiots who did whatever they did to you worth your pain? No one should feel like that. I'm sure there's always someone out there who loves you and is waiting for you at home. :) So remember this - as much as a victim you are. You are also a survivor. Stay strong. We're there for you.

'Don't look at life as it is. Look at it as it could be.'


End file.
